how it supposed to be

I am not stupid; I just need time to speak. Assalamualaikum, my name is Fatimah Shaakiryn and this is my communication journey.

When I was a kid, my mother told me that I have jaundice or yellow fever for baby until I need to undergo blood transfusion because my condition was worse at that time. The doctor told my mother if I get the treatment late, it can cause permanent brain damage.

So, basically, I’m a survivor. But, my parents assumed that the part of my brain that holds my ability to speak is affected because I am stuttered. But they never send me to the hospital because my parents are poor, conservative, and religious oriented. So instead of sending me to the hospital, they send me to ustaz to give water that has recited by Al Quran. But I’m still stuttering.

However, when I was 18, after I go to speech therapy and counseling and get psychological treatment, I realized my stuttering is due to some trauma and pressure when I was kid. If my brain is damage, I should have stuttered when I started to speak, but I remember I start to stutter when I was six years old.

One time I stuttered to say the world Allah, and one of my teachers said, ‘how are you going to utter the kalimah syahadah when you die if the name of Allah you cannot say it properly?” It hurts me really bad. As if I can turn into kafir because I stuttered. It’s a psychological thing. My parents and teachers are not open about this so called psychological or mental illness.

I went to IIUMPJ for foundation and all students must undergo tilawah test. I stuttered when reciting the Quran, then the ustazah failed me and put me into Tilawah Class, the basic one, Iqra’. I can read the Quran but I just need some times to utter some words. I felt humiliated because I am IRK students, and all my friends pass the test.

Everytime I need to do my presentation, all of my lecturers ask me to present only in front of him or her, instead of presenting in front of the class with all my classmates looking at me. Because last time I presented in front of the class, the boys in my class laughed really hard, and one of them shout right in front of me, in Malay, “Lempablah!” so the lecturers don’t want me to lose my confidence. I never asked my lecturers to give me special treatment, but I just feel like my lecturers are just have great empathy to protect me. Because of that special treatment, and at the same time I got good grades, my friends jealous of me because they think the lecturers fancy me that much.

So, at my last semester, the foundation students need to move from IIUMPJ to IIUM Kuantan, where all the science students take place. So, this is where I found speech therapy clinic. It was at Kulliyah of Allied Health Science. The doctor put my name under severe stuttering because I am 19 and still stuttering. The patient who came there usually kids. The doctor said it was impossible to fully cure but there is technique to cover my stuttering. 

What I usually do every time I have presentation; I make a script and memorize it from words to words. And I practice how to pronounce the word with the intonation. Even I practice a lot I still stuttering doing my presentation. For example, I already memorize the script, it is already in my mind but suddenly my tongue cannot utter it, so my brain needs to change the word to the word that has same meaning and it is easier to speak on the spot, in front of everybody.

For example, I cannot say the word Allah, so as fast as possible I change it to rabb, or God. If I don’t memorize the script and practice the intonation, the stuttering just getting worse. Every presentation is an experience to be experimented by me, sometimes the technique works, and sometimes it doesn’t. People will always say I am nervous most of the times but actually I am stuttering.

Right now, I am 22, and this is my final year, and I’m still stuttering but I am more confident to speak and to communicate with people. I have publish my own ebook entitled The Wishing Star. It's a compilation of poem about my life. In the future I want to be a full time writer and InshaAllah if I have a chance I will open my own bookcafe. It's a place to sell books and every month there will be sharing session from the author about their books. I encourage people to write books because everyone has their own unique story, and everyone has something that people don't know maybe some knowledge. and sometimes there are some words that cannot be spoken but need to be written. 

Being a stuttered person makes me value writing a lot. Because people don't usually understand what I want to say. People might concern about my future, but don’t be because in this world, there’s always a place for people who work hard to improve themselves and I am one of them. Small success is still a success. Appreciate yourself. 

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How my script should be. I always prepare 3 weeks before to memorize the script, but I feel like shit, I stuttered a lot even I prepare 3 weeks before. My hardwork is useless.

I hate myself. I hate it. I feel like I want to kill myself because I don't have any improvement. Nothing changes even I work hard. Shit just happen and I cannot do anything about it. I cry a lot these days. And I feel more like thrash today. I am stupid, I stuttered everytime, I feel useless.